Heart Soul and Might

I posted Andreas Kostenberger’s first post on singleness here, and author Debbie Maken responded to his post here. Kostenberger’s Part 2 of this discussion is here. I will reserve judgment for now while the debate rages on. Predictably I side with Kostenberger for whom I have great respect, especially since he’s a fellow Trinity grad. (smile)

Great thoughts on singleness here by Andreas Kostenberger at Biblical Foundations. Here is an excerpt:

“30 and Single? It’s Your Own Fault”—at least according to a recent controversial book, Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness, by Debbie Maken. The author got serious about getting married at age 28, signed up with a Christian web agency, and shortly thereafter entered marital bliss. Maken’s contention, however, that women who are in their late 20s or in their 30s and still unmarried have got only themselves to blame for lack of effort has created quite a stir among those very women who plead “not guilty” and question Maken’s categorical stance (everyone should do what she did, with the same results), not to mention her theology of singleness.

What does the Bible say about singleness? In my book God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation, published by the same publisher as Maken’s book, I devote an entire chapter, Chapter 9 entitled “Undivided Devotion to the Lord: The Divine Gift of Singleness,” to this question. The first part of the chapter features a biblical theology of singleness in the Old Testament and New Testament plus a treatment of singleness in the early church. This is followed by a discussion of issues related to singleness, such as singleness and ministry, cohabitation and premarital sex, courtship and dating, and biblical teaching on singleness addressed to particular groups.

HT: Biblical Foundations

Last night I was in the presence of a great man. I’d never heard of him until meeting him at a university alumni event last night, but it didn’t take long to realize that this is a man upon whom God has smiled. He had Jesus all over him - and he was so not about himself. I got the impression he would rather you remember Jesus than himself. Until a recent “semi-retirement”, Dr. Jim Walters had been the Chair of the Biblical Studies department at John Brown University since 1968.

I met his wife, too. Beautiful woman - in the way you could see Jesus in her as well. She spends her life in a wheelchair with little movement, hands knarled, her body ravaged by what Dr. Walters calls the “insidious beast that invaded her body in 1978″ - multiple sclerosis. They were married in 1964, she was diagnosed with MS in 1978, she had to stop driving in 1989, and went to a wheelchair full-time in 1991. And Dr. Walters has been faithfully standing beside Linda, taking care of her every day. He told me they’re more in love today after 42 years of marriage than they were the day they got married - and I could tell that he was telling the truth.

I watched carefully how he related to Linda. He was the featured speaker of the evening, but his primary concern always seemed to be how she was doing rather than how he was coming across to the crowd of alumni and donors. They laughed together often and he always spoke respectfully to her, often adjusting her sweater that would sometimes creep up under the seatbelt that held her in her wheelchair.

During his talk, Dr. Walters held up a black and white picture of his family back from 1968 - he and Linda and their two sons - and inevitably I noticed the difference in how they’ve changed in the 38 years since. Dr. Walters was smiling widely and had darker (and more) hair. Linda had a beautiful smile and looked so full of joy in the picture. I looked over at her in the wheelchair. Her smile looked much different, her bottom lip now drooping awkwardly and her eyes tired and unfocused. But her smile was undoubtedly there and it was impossible to miss the joy they both clearly still have. Could it be that they live this temporal life with an eternal perspective? They have every right to be jaded. To be cynical of a God who would allow this terrible disease to thwart their plans for a peaceful life, free from pain and suffering - and concluding with a care-free retirement. But instead of cyncism or anger - or even pity - I saw a man who loves life…abundantly. He enjoys life supremely because he no doubt loves God supremely.

That’s why I had to meet Dr. Walters and shake his hand. This man obviously finds such satisfaction in God that he can live this life with supreme joy no matter the circumstances. As I shook his hand, I thanked him for being an inspiration to younger guys like me and that he obviously has Jesus all over him. His response didn’t surprise me. First, he graciously said Thank You, and then said he just deeply loves God’s Word so much and wants others to as well.That’s the key to his joy.

You can’t love God like he does without loving His Word like he does. And you can’t love God’s Word like he does and live with anything but an eternal perspective that puts God’s glory above earthly, temporal comfort.

I’ve been deeply impacted by this encounter with this great man of God. I hope and pray that I can love Heidi like Dr. Walters loves Linda. It will take another 40 years of loving Heidi to pass that test. And, I hope and pray that I can live with supreme joy no matter the circumstances in the way that this great man has modeled. It will take another 40 years of loving God and His Word to pass that test.

“Nothing is more important to your marriage than your theology (what you believe about God), and nothing is more important to your theology and hence your marriage) than the gospel.”

“When we grasp the depth of God’s love for us revealed in the gospel, when we rest in the joy of God’s forgiveness toward us in the gospel, when we experience God’s transforming power in us through the gospel, and when we begin to emulate the pattern of humility and obedience we see in the gospel, what a wonderful difference this will make in our lives and marriages! Nothing is more essential to a marriage, and nothing brings more hope, than applying the gospel of Jesus Christ.”

Gary and Betsy Ricucci, Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace , pp. 21, 23

HT: Between Two Worlds (Justin Taylor)

The community group that I lead is a marriage accountability group and right now we’re actually going through a parenting curriculum with a book called Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining and Bad Attitudes… in you and your kids! It’s a great book providing some real practical tips on parenting, but inevitably in each weekly discussion, we find things that apply to either our personal lives or our marriages.

The major theme in this book is establishing “honor” as a principle which guides everything we say and do. The goal is to always be honoring of one another and the authors provide many practical insights on how to instill honor in our kids.

This week’s chapter was entitled “Six Ways to Teach Honor to Your Children” - and while there were a number of takeaways as a parent, one of the most impactful applies to ALL of us.

#2: Teach children to do more than what’s expected 

“Honor does more than what’s expected. It looks past the words to [the] intent. Honor involves being thoughtful and thorough about what you do.” (p. 50)

“Honor sees the need and takes care of the problem. If it’s broken, fix it. If it’s empty, fill it. If it’s open, shut it. If it’s out, put it away. If it’s messy, clean it. if you can’t, then report it. That’s honor.” (p. 50)

I think this has huge implications for me personally, and for all of us - yes, even us adults. It’s our natural wiring to do just what it takes to get by. I don’t have to think too hard to do the bare minimum. It’s my natural inclination… You have to get out beyond “self” do do more than what’s expected, and for most humans like me, getting beyond “self” is the problem. We’re all naturally selfish. It takes forethought, planning and energy to be selfless. Some people do it really well, and it seems like it comes naturally, but I’m guessing that even for them, it takes conscious effort. Maybe less conscious effort than it takes for me, but still effort.

What would our world be like if EVERYONE simply did more than what was expected? If people went out of their way to serve others. To go beyond the bare minimum and do even just a little bit more than what is expected. I can only imagine what our house would look like if, instead of walking over or around the toys or my dirty clothes on the floor, I naturally picked something up on my way by… Ouch! Writing this is reminding me of just how lazy and ignorant I can be sometimes!

The passage that immediately comes to mind is one that we’re all familiar with, but probably don’t live out enough.

Philippians 2:1-5

“So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus…”

It’s all about having the mind of Christ Jesus. He is our ultimate example of being a true servant - and ultimately doing more than what was expected. In fact, it almost seems trite to talk about Christ’s example of servanthood in the same discussion as picking things up off the floor… But the point is - Christ truly was selfless, and in every way, thought of others before He thought of himself. And, He is our model for how to live. When I do only what is expected, or worse yet, less than what is expected, I am not exhibiting the spirit of Christ.

So, let’s teach our kids how to do something extra - something more than what is expected. But, let’s first start with ourselves. I need to start with me.

Lord, help me to exhibit the mind of Christ in every way - seeking to serve and not be served. To assist, help, guide, serve… and not out of duty, but out of a heart that wants to be like Jesus. Help me to look beyond simply what is right in front of my eyes, and see the opportunities to honor and bless others by my actions that go beyond the minimum.

I feel the need to shout from the mountain tops - or more appropriately here, from the top of the blogosphere…

I HAVE AN INCREDIBLE, VERY TALENTED, AND MUCH-SMARTER-THAN-ME WIFE!!!!

Just a few hours ago, my lovely bride, Heidi successfully defended her dissertation in front of her doctoral committee, and is now DOCTOR Petak!

Heidi started her Ph.D program in Communication at Regent University in Virginia Beach, VA in 1999. Two years before we first met.

She completed her dissertation a couple weeks ago (340 pages!!) and flew out to Regent U yesterday to stand before the committee that would hold the outcome of her 7-year process in the palm of their hand. Two hours after her defense began, she left the room for the committee to confer… called me to tell me there’s nothing else to do but wait… was called back in, and welcomed by the committee with the words something to the affect of “You’ve passed with flying colors, Dr. Petak!”

I told her our mail will now often read “Mr. and Dr. Petak”… and she reminded me that since I’m an ordained minister, it might be “Rev. and Dr. Petak” sometimes… That just sounds too weird! But, I guess it fits…

Needless to say, I’m a pretty proud husband right now…  I can’t wait for her to get home tomorrow so I can take her out for dinner!

We had a great “Weekend to Remember” get-away with the FamilyLife marriage conference and are now back in the saddle at home with our precious boys. All that we took in at the conference this weekend made me appreciate even more the incredible family I’ve been blessed with: an amazing wife, God’s perfect provision to complete me; and two wonderful boys with whom I am seeking to leave a Godly legacy.

I’ve decided against giving a blow-by-blow re-cap of the entire conference. You need to trust me in that it is worth it (especially if you’ve never taken part in a “Weekend to Remember”) and you need to go to the FamilyLife website, look for the weekend conference nearest you, and register. You’ll be glad you did. What I AM going to do, though, is share with you my top take-aways… the major things I wrote in the back of my conference notebook to remind me of what God spoke to my heart this weekend:

1. Be “all there” with the boys when I’m at home - Sessions 1 & 2 dealt with “oneness” in our marriages, and it didn’t take me long to figure out that, a key to experiencing “oneness” in my marriage is how intentional and proactive I am with the family when I’m home. I can tend to get distracted with things like blogs (smile) and books, and I need to work on this…

2. Admit I’m selfish, and place my wife’s needs above my own - I’m selfish?? OK. We’re all selfish. And, though it’s hard to admit, I know I am. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s NOT hard to admit because it’s so obvious! I need to prioritize my family’s needs above my own.

3. Allow the Holy Spirit unhindered control of my life - There are ways that I still want to hold control, and they get in the way of what God wants to do. The sooner I realize that, the better. I need to get out of the way of the Holy Spirit, and let Him have free reign in every area of my life.

4. Truly seek to understand and be understood - The keys to communication (session 7). It involves valuing genuine communication and good listening skills. I know I will probably never fully understand Heidi, but I need to work hard at it, and at least make her feel understood while I’m in process.

5. Session 8 was the sexual intimacy session… I’m going to choose to only share my takeaway from this session only with my lovely wife. (smile)

6. Take the initiative to pray more often with Heidi - I have a real passion for prayer and dependence, and yet I find that it is so hard to be consistent in praying with my wife. Why is that!?! I need to take more initiative here.

7. I need to transfer God’s truth to the boys - I have an incredible responsibility and opportunity to build up Josiah and Jonathan in God and His word. What a privilege! I so desire to model Godly character to my two sons, and with every opportunity, point them to our incredible God. This is something I’m really passionate about.

8. Say “I’m sorry” and speak the truth in love - Why is it so hard sometimes to say “I’m sorry?”

9. Return a curse with a blessing - This might be one of the keys to having a great relationship. It is so much easier to return a curse with a curse or an insult with an insult… but following Christ’s ultimate example, returning a curse with a blessing creates an atmosphere for conflict to be resolves and love to reign.

10. Pray together as a family - The boys are small right now, but it’s never too soon to model effective and dependent prayer and go before God as a family.

Heidi and I are at a FamilyLife “Weekend to Remember” marriage conference this weekend in Franklin, just down the street. This is our second conference together - our first one was when we were engaged, so we’ve definitely plowed some ground since the last time we were at one of these! I know there are some challenging times ahead as I’m faced with the numerous ways I fall short and can improve on how I love, lead and serve my bride.

Last night the conference speakers covered the “Five Threats to Oneness.” If you never go to one of these conferences (which I would highly recommend if you are able), you can get the cliff notes version here on the blog as I’ll give a little summary for you to think about. (I’m hoping this doesn’t cut into their conference revenue by convincing you to stay home, but rather compels you to sign up for yourself!)

In looking at the five threats to oneness, the underlining understanding is that God’s purpose for marriage leads a couple to oneness. The opposite of oneness, and the inevitable result of humans being left to themelves, is isolation. Unless we’re purposeful in our pursuit of oneness, we’ll all naturally move toward isolation. This is the critical issue in marriage, and there are forces threatening to destroy oneness that need to get a hard look.

1. Difficult adjustments 

Culture does little to encourage making adjustments in our marriages and because of our contrasting backgrounds (values, vocations, religion, family history, etc), unless adjustments are made, husbands and wives will inevitably be on different pages. Add to the equation differing expectations across the board (roles, sexual issues, future plans), an you have yourself a true threat.

2. 50/50 Performance Pattern

The world’s pattern is that husbands and wives meet each other half-way in our roles, responsibilities and meeting each others needs. Acceptance is based on performance, giving is based on merit and motivation for action is based on how one feels. This is destined to self-destruct a marriage.

3. Selfishness

We all have a natural tendency to be self-centered. I don’t think anyone needs convincing of this. (Although, Heidi and I joked with each other in agreeing that, yes, the other certainly has a problem with this one!)

4. Failure to work through difficulties and trials

The failure to anticipate difficulties as well as the failure to respond properly to those difficulties both threaten oneness. We all need to realize that difficulties don’t mean that something is wrong with our marriage - because in God’s sovereignty and providence, He allows difficulties to refine us and transform us more into the image of Christ. But, we need to see it this way and take proactive steps to walk into these challenges.

5. Extramarital Affairs

We all think of a physical or sexual affair here, but they define extramarital affairs as “an escape from reality or a search for fulfillment outside of marriage.” Of course this includes the stereotypical love affair, but could also be an activity or hobby, possessions, a career, family…

The result of all of these threats is isolation. More to come…